Can anyone help me with my story?

I just answered your previous question, then checked your profile after reading the answer above mine. You still need the word with after the word fiddled, in my opinion. Otherwise, this current post, so far as structure is concerned, is much improved over the previous one. It remains too brief, however, for me to to be able to judge whether or not it is the beginning of a story which would appeal to me. If you are simply interested in the format for your opening paragraph, you have written your current attempt with definite polish. It was certainly a good idea to consult someone with a bachelor's degree in English! Continue writing your story; see how it goes. Good luck!